Let’s Get Physical

Some days, you just have to sweat it out.

I’m sore right now.

In fact my body is so sore that it’s hurting to type these words. This kind of pain is the best kind, though, because it comes with a deep sense of satisfaction. I’m sore because I worked hard today. I used my body today. I got a bunch of shit done that needed a bunch of muscle to do it.

Hell yeah!

Living on my own and being a single mom means that I’m the only adult around about 99% of the time, so when something breaks, I have to fix it. When someone gets hurt, I have to look after them. When something needs doing, I have to do it.

I don’t always like living this way, and sometimes I do have to recruit help, but overall I get things done and I take pride in what I accomplish as a single woman.

Today my kids are with their father. I haven’t seen them since last night at 7:00 pm and I won’t be with them again until two days from now at 4:00 pm. I can’t express how awful it is to be forcibly separated from them so often. I still struggle to reconcile myself to this new reality in which I am forced to be a part-time parent.

Please don’t give me those bullshit statements that people always seem to say when I’m sad about not having my kids with me:

“But now you have so much time to yourself; you can do the things that you want to!”

or,

“I wish I had that much time to myself! My kids are driving me crazy!”

Fuck that.

No, seriously, stop saying that shit to me! I am not a mother who wishes she wasn’t one. I’m not a parent who intended to have a rigid custody and access schedule and who wanted to be put in a situation where I had to choose between staying in an abusive relationship to be with my kids full time, or leaving that relationship and giving up the freedom and flexibility I had as a mother before my marriage ended.

I miss my kids like crazy when they aren’t here. In fact, I have a physical sense of hurt deep within me that never goes away now. I’m trying to find ways to dull that ache and one of the best coping strategies I’ve found is to get outside and, in the immortal words of Olivia Newton-John, get physical.

Today I spent the morning weed-whacking my front yard. I then cut the grass—all 1.3 acres of it—with my lawn tractor. I chopped wood for two hours. I then finished weed-whacking and trimmed up all the edges in the backyard that my tractor couldn’t reach. Then I ran around with the dog for awhile because I just couldn’t stop moving yet. I made sure that for the majority of my day I was outside, breathing fresh air, moving my body, and focusing on anything other than the fact that I am hurting so much on the inside.

I’m kind of proud of being sore tonight; it’s a testament to my physical strength. It felt so  damn good to swing that ax and watch as a pile of freshly hewn logs stacked up beside me. It felt fucking amazing to have the energy to spend so many hours doing physical labour, when chronic fatigue has been my constant companion for almost a decade.

I’m proud tonight, because my calluses, my blisters, and my aching muscles are also a testament to my emotional strength.

When you hold a hurt like I do, deep inside of yourself, every day and every night, it sometimes feels impossible to do anything else. When I’m able to get beyond those feelings and summon the motivation to DO SOMETHING, to take real action and to find something to feel positive about, I think I’ve earned the right to feel pretty fucking good about myself.

I may wake up tomorrow and find it hard to move. My joints may crack and my back may groan with stiffness, but those pains will be a reminder of what I accomplished today and they’ll help inspire me to try to move beyond my pain and do something else with my day. I know there will be times in the future where all I can manage is to keep breathing—I’ve accepted that relapse with my mental health problems is a part of my life from now on—but a day like today shows me that there will also be days when I can shut off the emotional pain by channeling my energy into productive things.

I will gladly take the bruises. I will happily sport blisters and calluses. I will willingly put my body to work so that I can ache all over again. 

There was a time, not too long ago, when I didn’t think I could keep going. On a daily basis I felt like I should give up on life. But here I am. Here I fucking am! And my sore fingers, typing on these keys, are well deserved. It took more than yard work to earn them today: it took guts, and it took grit and tonight I’ll sleep soundly and relish the ache in my muscles tomorrow, and hopefully hang on to the strength I feel right now until my babies get home.

xxJ

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Gettin’ physical, ridin’ dirty.

Why the hell am I here?

By all accounts, I shouldn’t be here. I’m well aware that the world is already overwhelmed with plenty of bloggers, most of whom fall into one of the following categories: perky and insta-perfect, or cynical and raging. I’d like to think that I hit a sweet spot somewhere in between those two categories. Don’t get me wrong, I have some deep-seated rage lurking within me and I can be pretty damn chipper sometimes! But those aren’t really the reasons that I’m adding my name into the deep, dark pool of online writers.

I’m here with head/strong because my life has profoundly changed in the last few years. As I’ve been learning and fighting and changing and trying to sort my shit out, I’ve also been looking for people who have struggled in relatable ways. In early 2016 I escaped my marriage with no job, no clue what might happen, and two small children who had no idea why their comfy life was being destroyed. I had a complete mental breakdown. I was suicidal. I got forced into a two-year court battle that devastated me emotionally and financially. I lost things that were incredibly dear to me. I lost myself for a while too… But in the end, I survived and that’s why I’m here.

I don’t profess to be an expert in the things I’m going to write about. In fact, the only thing I can claim expertise in is knowing what the fuck is happening in my own life. So that’s what you’ll get here: a big pile of me, wondering and sometimes worrying, writing down the things that I wish I could have read. Offering the support I wish I’d had. Sharing all the things I wanted to find when I started disentangling myself from my abusive, codependent relationships and started learning how to live a new and unfamiliar life as a single parent, an abuse survivor, and a person with anxiety and depression.

We all have shit to deal with, but it’s so much easier to get through that crap when you feel a sense of community and can connect with other people who share some of your experience. I hope that you’ll participate in the learning and exploration I’m putting here. I hope you’ll question me and challenge me and goddamnit I hope you’ll stick with me through it all and find that you, too, can be headstrong and badass. I’ll share more of my story going forward, but for now, I’ll give you one of my favourite quotes and leave it at that…

_There are two powers in