Home for a Rest

For the last few weeks, my counselling has been focusing on discussions about rest. Specifically, I’ve been working on re-framing my definition of what rest is and allowing myself to rest when I need to.

Before now, and in the black and white delineations of my mind, rest became something that represented weakness. I learned to believe that I only had worth if I was busy and active. And the only excuse for resting was exhaustion or illness. Sounds healthy, right?

How many of us push ourselves constantly to keep going? How many of us don’t take advantage of restful moments because we’re too anxious or have too many expectations placed on us to be constantly engaged?

In my previous relationships, I expected myself (and was expected by my partners) to be available and ready for action at all moments. I was also burdened with the vast majority of the physical and emotional labour in those relationships, which meant that restful moments were few and far between, and that when I did rest, it was out of utter exhaustion as opposed to simply taking a break or relaxing. It was so bad that I actually forgot how to relax entirely! I remained in a hyper-vigilant mode of awareness constantly. I was always, always tired, but could never rest.

I’m still so incredibly tired. I’m still doing the majority of the physical and emotional work for my family. I’m still anxious a lot and I still have this tendency to try and fill all the hours of all the days and then crash afterwards…

But I’m learning how to do things differently. My need for rest is being validated and supported in the therapy I’m doing, which is going a long way towards my acceptance of its validity. I am trying to no longer feel guilty for needing to rest. I’m trying to take advantage of the time I have to relax and recuperate. I’m coming to understand that rest is, in fact, productive! No, seriously!

Think of it this way: in order to be productive, you need to have energy. And how do we get energy? Well, by eating good foods, drinking water, and resting. If we don’t take our downtime seriously, how can we have enough “umph” to keep going and accomplish the things we need or want to do?

My counsellor and I are working to change my thinking to reflect this kind of understanding. Not only do I have the time right now to engage in some really solid rest, my body is also telling me that I need it. A decade or more of being burdened with unfair and incredibly heavy expectations has taken its toll; mama needs a good sleep and to put her feet up or take a nap otherwise she can’t function!

I know I’m fortunate to have time to rest right now. I’m already thinking ahead to the fall when I’m going to be busier (I’m going back to school…yay!) and will have more to worry about. But fuck that anxiety, because I’d rather focus on taking advantage of the time I have now and using it the best way that I can. And instead of thinking that that means doing a million things everyday and never sitting down or catching my breath, I’m thinking that I might take a nap instead. I might enjoy a crossword puzzle, or have a mindful snack. Maybe I’ll watch some Netflix or take a walk. Snuggle up with a book or cuddle under the covers.

Rest is not my enemy. Resting doesn’t make me weak. My value doesn’t come from how much I can get done in a day; it comes from tuning in and responding authentically to the needs my body presents to me. It comes from being my authentic self and showing up in all the ways I need to, including times of rest.

What do your restful moments look like?

How does getting enough (or NOT getting enough) rest affect your mental and physical health?

Who else wants to go take a nap right now?

xxJ

Yep, it’s definitely nap time.

It’s Time for a Break

Today, I’m practicing some self-care.

Wednesday is my writing day. Every hump day, come hell or high water, I sit down at my laptop and put words onto a page, either for this blog, for my poetic pursuits, or for personal use.

Every Wednesday I write, but this week, I woke up and had exactly zero motivation to write anything.

Usually I have a pretty good idea of what I’m going to write each week. By Wednesday I’ve usually had something floating around in my head for a while and all I need to do is sit down on my designated day and let the words come out. This week is different, though. I mean, I have lots of half-baked blog posts and poem ideas sitting around, and I could force myself to try to extrapolate a longer, more polished piece out of them, but I don’t even have enough gumption for that.

Honestly, one of my pet peeves with forcing myself to try to make a piece “work”, is that it always ends up coming off as forced. Like, I can tell, and so I assume you can tell, that when I do that, authenticity is lacking in my writing.  I understand that as a writer, one of my tasks is to just write the fuck anyway, and I do, every Wednesday, and other days too, to be honest. But I usually approach my writing days with excitement or at least some level of eagerness. I usually feel inspired and prepared to write.

Today, I just feel blaaaaahhhhh.

But it’s Wednesday, so I’ve made myself sit down at my laptop and as I’m typing and pathetically moaning about how crappy I feel, I’ve realized what I need to write about. What I need to say is that I need a break. My body is shouting at me take a pause, and that’s what I’m going to talk about.

Maybe it’s the weather (gray, dreary, and a lovely mix of sleet and rain), maybe it’s the shorter days, maybe it’s the recent changes in some of my relationships, maybe it’s PMS (it’s definitely PMS); I’m pretty sure it’s all those things, actually, but it’s also something else.

I’ve been busting my ass trying to move forward in my life. I’ve been more focused and motivated in the last 6 months than I have in the last 6 years. All this effort is bringing me crazy-awesome rewards, like all the fucking fantastic followers I now have with head/strong (THANK YOU!!!!). There always comes a point, though, when I’ve reached what I think of as “enough.” It’s not a great place to get to, and I’ve learned that when I haven’t paid attention, “enough” comes and goes and I get to “too much”, which often leads to “far too much”, or worse, “complete mental breakdown.”

One of the biggest tolls my past has had on me is that it depleted my physical, mental, and emotional capacities. I am slowly crawling my way back towards health—I’ve already written about my nutrition, my physical activity, and my kick-ass counsellors—but today is a reminder that sometimes, I just have to give in and give up on pushing myself for a little while.

Tuning into this need for rest is something else I’ve had to re-learn post-abuse, because along with losing my stamina, in the last decade I also lost my sense of intuition. Or, at least, I lost the ability to listen to my intuition. I’m pretty sure it was still there, screaming at me; I just couldn’t (or wouldn’t) hear it.

My intuition is telling me that I need to slow down, so I am. I’ve given myself permission, which is a powerful exercise, let me tell you. To give yourself permission, to actually verbalize that and embrace what your body is telling you—that’s some powerful shit, yo.

And today I had to do it. I had to allow myself to take a pause and check in.

I said fuck it and decided that my plans for this Wednesday include writing the fuck anyway about whatever the fuck comes into my head, enjoying my tea, and not doing much else until my daughters get home from school.

It’s a luxury, I know. Many other people wouldn’t get to do the same on any given Wednesday. I’m sorry; that sucks. Because sometimes, on a Wednesday, you need to take a break. It doesn’t always happen when it’s convenient. If I had a job out of the house, though, I’d likely be calling a sick day. I’d need to! It’s not worth it to me, to push myself harder, when I know that the likely outcome is breakdown or worse.

I think even if you have a commitment that happens to fall in the middle of an “I need a break or imma kill someone” moment, or if it’s an “I need to curl up into a ball, pull some covers over my head, and not come out for at least 24 hours” kind of day—whatever kind of day, really—you can still find ways to attend to the needs of your body.

A few suggestions:

  • Eat good food (however you define that)
  • Drink something yummy and revitalizing (ideally not alcoholic if you have to work or have children to care for)
  • Listen to music or a podcast that makes you feel good (I currently have some gorgeous classical music on)
  • Move slowly and with intention
  • Pause when you can
  • Breathe deeply, stretch, go for a walk, scream for a minute in your car…whatever!

Trust me. Whatever you do, it’ll be worth it, bcause it will help you avoid getting past “enough” and slow things down before you crash into “more than enough”, or worse.

So, it’s Wednesday, and I’ve gotten the kids off to school, I’ve walked the dog in the rain on a day that looks more like the night, I’ve cooked some eggs and had some tea (hurray for caffeine!) and now I’ve made myself write a few hundred words that feel authentic, which is all I can ever ask of myself, really. Now I’m going to go binge-watch some Flash and find a kitten or two to use as a heating pad. What does your self-care look like for today?

Happy hump day, all.

xxJ

2018-10-31 11.09.01
Warm, woolly socks, comfy clothes, and an adorable kitten…I’m ready to sit down and not get up again for a few hours, at least. This is my self-care for the day.