It turns out that my abusers didn’t have to lay a finger on me in order to fuck up my body.
Yes, I’ve been posting about the incredible changes and improvements I’ve experienced with my body in the last few months, but I want to backtrack a little bit and talk about why I’ve celebrated those changes as much as I have and why I now cherish every bit of my energy, focus, and strength.
The emotionally abusive men I’ve been with were never physically violent with me. Yes, there were times when I felt scared of them and yes, they touched me when I didn’t want them to and yes, they used their physical presence to intimidate me…but not once was I hit, pushed, slapped, scratched, bitten, or otherwise physically abused by them.
Although my body is now healing and I am feeling healthier, I still remember what it felt like when I was in the trenches of my emotionally abusive landscape. I still have a long way to go to regain my strength and dispel the lies about my body that I adopted as truth.
The body suffers when the mind is suffering, and chronic stress takes an enormous toll on your body...
Recurring emotional trauma takes a toll on your body.
Having no sense of self-worth takes a toll on your body.
Being fed lies about your body and adopting those lies as true takes a toll on your body.
Being in a chronic state of survival mode takes a toll on your body.
Doing the bulk of the work in a household or relationship takes a toll on your body.
Being depressed and anxious all the time takes a toll on your body.
Being or feeling used for sex or sexual acts takes a toll on your body.
Emotional abusers still take shots at your body, they just don’t make contact.
These are some of the ways emotional abuse affected my body:
Number 1: Living in a state of chronic stress and experiencing ongoing trauma kept my body in survival mode for a very long time. The hormones and reactions triggered in my body as a result of this stress should only be released on rare occasions when I am in actual life or death danger. (Think, charging rhino or being chased by Jason Voorhees.) My body shouldn’t be getting flooded with adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine on the regular. When I was with my abusers, it was normal for me to feel scared, overwhelmed, angry, distraught, or unsure and my body maintained a constant state of vigilance to try and protect me.
Number 2: My abusers devalued and debased me regularly and I adopted these attitudes as true. I learned to believe that I was ugly/fat/stupid/weak/worthless and I felt these things physically. As a result of this, the amount of work I have to put into learning to love and accept my body feels infinite. I remain painfully aware of all my flaws and deeply insecure about my body. I hold myself to a ridiculous standard that I haven’t yet been able to overcome, although in recent months, I’ve made significant strides towards better health and a better self-image.
Number 3: My emotional abusers expected me to do the bulk of the work in our lives. During my marriage this meant that I carried and birthed two children in less than two years. I then cared for those children on a full-time basis, day and night. I looked after our house, yard, and car. I did all the cooking and clean up. I looked after everything for birthdays and holidays. I cared for our pets. I managed everyone’s schedules. I did all of our errands. I did all the driving. I completed my ECE diploma online while still parenting full-time and offering part-time child care from my home. If I was sitting down, I was nursing a baby or folding the laundry. If I was out on my own, I was buying our groceries. If I was sleeping, it was because I had finally passed out, although I was likely to be woken up within a few hours by a distraught toddler, a baby who needed nursing, a snoring husband, or a nightmare.
Number 4: As a result of my experience, I developed anxiety, depression, and chronic fatigue. I’ve had weeks and months where I ate voraciously because I was super anxious and then I would starve myself for weeks because I was so depressed. My sleep is poor and I dream restlessly. I suffer from panic attacks and sugar crashes. I have brain fog and issues keeping my focus. I get migraines and I clench my teeth. In the past, I had tremors and nervous ticks like tapping my fingers or biting my tongue. In an effort to treat these issues I’ve tried what feels like a million different medications, supplements, exercises, diets, and therapies—it’s like I’ve been living as a science experiment with a constant onslaught of mind- and mood-altering drugs coursing through my veins. I am finally feeling hopeful that I may be making progress towards wellness, but it will take years to replenish my body after becoming so depleted.
This broken body…at least, it has often felt broken to me…that I’m working to restore is a testament to the strength I had to have in order to survive.
If you relate to this conversation at all, then I commend you for being so strong and for fighting through whatever pain you’ve experienced at the hands of an emotionally abusive person.
I hope you’re okay.
You are worthy of love and your body is an amazing and strong entity—don’t let the abusers fuck it up anymore.