I’m At My Best When I’m Depressed

Depression can be described as a deep sensation of numbness. Of sadness. Heaviness. Loneliness. A profound sense of despair. An internalized sense of being unworthy. Constantly feeling isolated and invisible.

Depression is like:

“A distance between you and the world. You cannot see any tangible future, so there is a feeling of hopelessness. It takes extra effort to do anything because the world is so far away, and emotions rarely make it through the void either so you are numb and distant (and all to [sic] often using lots of energy to prevent people from realising [sic] how you actually feel).”

source

Saying that depression sucks would definitely be an understatement, but I want to argue that, actually, I’m at my best when I’m depressed. Let me try to explain…

When I’m depressed, I feel tired all the time. Actually, not just tired, exhausted. I can sleep for two hours or 20 hours and still not feel rested. But everyday, I get up and I get through it.

When I’m depressed, I imagine that I don’t matter; I feel an ongoing and intense sense of despair deep within myself. But, I get up and I get through it.

When I’m depressed, all I want to do is curl up and disappear. Sometimes this manifests as suicidal thoughts or ideation, sometimes it’s just a sense of wanting to shut the world out and find a safe, comfortable space to hide in. But regardless of feeling this way, I get up and I get through it.

When I’m depressed, I struggle to eat, which means that I don’t get the nourishment I need. This creates a cycle of feeling too shitty to eat and then feeling worse because I haven’t eaten. It also often results in a pattern of bingeing and then restricting, which messes up my system even more. And yet no matter what, I get myself up and I get through it.

When I’m depressed, my anxiety goes on high alert too, so I become exhausted AND hyper-vigilant at the same time. It’s like there are sirens blaring in my head but my body is so heavy that I can barely move. And yet, even with these overwhelming sensations going on in my brain, I get up and I get through it.

When I’m depressed, every part of being a mother becomes extra difficult. Making meals, getting school stuff sorted, making my children laugh, comforting them, getting through bedtime…even just being present with them… But I don’t want my mental illness to affect my children no matter how low I get, so I get up and I get through it.

If you haven’t caught on yet, what I’m trying to say is that when I’m depressed, I show up anyway. I get myself out of bed and I push through the day, regardless of the desire to stay in the warm sanctuary of my covers. Regardless of wanting to disappear, or feeling afraid, or wishing I could hit “pause” on everything and shut it all out…

I keep going anyway.

And that’s why I am at my absolute best when I’m depressed.

That’s why all of us who suffer from depression are at our best. We fight against our disorder, push through the numbness and the despair, and make ourselves face each and every day.

It may not look like we are trying. We may seem tired. We may cry often. We might attempt to isolate ourselves. We might not speak with excitement, or we might overcompensate and act TOO excited. We may just barely get through the day… But we work hard to overcome what our depression puts on us—one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Change your perspective on those with depression, because we feel like we’re drowning, yet we continue to grab breaths when we push our heads above the murky water, and that takes immense strength that few can ever see.

And if you are someone with depression in your life, know that when you feel depressed, you’re actually at your absolute best because you haven’t given up on trying to keep yourself afloat. You’re a fighter and a survivor and I hope you are proud of yourself.

xxJ


If you or someone you love need help, please reach out.

Canada: http://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/ or https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/mental-health-services/mental-health-get-help.html

USA: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or https://www.mentalhealth.gov/

Worldwide: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html


Author: Juliana

Writer; musician; mother; survivor. Taking things a day at a time and sharing my story.

One thought on “I’m At My Best When I’m Depressed”

  1. And here you are, living, breathing, getting up and pushing through it. It’s like exercise I guess, we start off week and get stronger as our bodies and minds acclimatize to the rigours we put them through. Know that at the end of the day, you did a great job Juliana; you got up and pushed through it!! Xoxo💪🏼🙃💙

    Like

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